"It's okay" or is it?

There is always an upper hand. We like to believe in true love there is no power play but silently, without the slightest mention of it, day after day, it goes on.

It happens to the best of us, the strongest of us, the most feminist of us. We dismiss it. Often, we approve of it and don’t get me wrong, we are not lying when we do it. It’s far more dangerous than that.

We convince ourselves that “it’s okay”. If he doesn’t share the chores, he’s tired – it’s okay. If he cannot be an equal parent, nature didn’t intend it that way – it’s okay. If he cannot find a better job, the competition is too stiff – it’s okay. If he doesn’t notice or laughs at my creative efforts, they must be silly  - it’s okay. If he cannot pick up his dirty socks, old habits die hard – it’s okay.

If I’m not enough in bed, everyone needs excitement, besides he still loves me – it’s okay.

If he does not make me feel loved or wanted any more, the drudgery of the day has taken over – it’s okay.

It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.

Until it no longer is.

And at that point a separation or the pen is not mighty enough. Meeting someone else is frustrating. Hanging with the girls, doesn’t really take your mind off. Shallow conquests like shopping, Netflix and binge-eating are not going to fill the void. Because, guess what…? It’s NOT OKAY.

You are not okay. Accept it. You may or may not want to change anything about your situation but accept it that it’s not okay. Tell yourself it is not. Remind yourself how he continuously fails at being a partner, being a dad, being a man, at making you feel special and if you still find yourself hopelessly in love with him and not wanting to leave, “it’s okay”.

The long-distance

I didn’t realize it was possible to be sad about leaving somewhere you never actually were. That it was possible to miss living in a city you didn’t actually live in. To have your heart broken by the thought of it all ending, something that wasn’t yours to begin with. That is the power of social media in today’s world. It lets us live so many lives from miles away without moving an inch. But it’s not just that. It’s also the city. It’s the magic of Bombay. 

Two years back, my sister, Tania moved to Mumbai for her masters and I still recall clearly, one of her first assignments was to wake up early in the morning, take the train to South Bombay from Juhu, where she stayed and go take pictures of anything and everything that caught her fancy. I remember scrolling through her Facebook feed with great curiosity. 

Now, Gateway of India is something that has been photographed a hundred times before and I have seen it in many movies but seeing it through Tania’s eyes was still a feeling anew. In her pictures, those young smiling faces she had met just a day before, those people she referred to as “batch-mates”, they smelled of promise. The promise of learning, of happiness, of being successful and of having fun while at it. Days became months and batch-mates turned into friends. And I, from 10,000 miles away started living my life in this city of dreams - a city I had never actually visited, much less lived in. 

Everyday Tania talked endlessly about her experiences at school, at the hostel, new friends she made, about unending assignments and sometimes when her days allowed she uploaded a picture or two of Mumbai in the passing. Often times, these pictures were of a little kitten or a puppy or a security guard. 

I stared at it for hours with a longing to visit. To meet these people and these animals, to smell the trees, to let the air touch my bare skin. One experience, I distinctly remember was when she uploaded a picture captioned “Mumbai ki pehli baarish” from her balcony. It was more iron grill than anything else in that picture but I felt a twinge in my heart wishing I was there. 

Then last year, everything changed. I decided I no longer wanted to be someone who’s never visited this city of hopes and dreams. So, I packed my bags and decided to go surprise Tania. It was the month of June, and not so surprisingly, the city welcomed me with open arms and pouring rains. Lo and behold, it was my first “Mumbai ki pehli baarish” and a few hours later I found myself standing in that same balcony peeking from behind those iron grills at the city. I spent over a week in the city falling hard for her. What I didn’t realize then however was that she was loving me back. 

Two years have gone by in a swoosh. Tania’s “At Juhu with Juhu” roommate is gone. Her hostel room and the 3 beds are now empty as she packs her suitcases one last time. Romancing the Mumbai rains from that balcony is now behind her (and me) but Bombay will forever hold our hearts in her bosom.