From the Ghost of the Valentine's Past

Slowly, little by little I can't remember the smell of your skin anymore 

Or how the skin at the edge of your nose crinkled, when I planted a sleepy kiss on your forehead. 

Sometimes I wake up and stand at the edge of the bed 

tracing the contours of your body with imaginary lines in my head 

But I have lost the points and the exact color of your skin, I just can't recall any more. 

I want to stay there some more until I can remember 

But you are not there, you are not there any more. 

And slowly little by little, this house has lost your smell. 

And since you are gone - The walls, the television, the sofa, the chair & the tables don't quite call out your name anymore. 

But they remember me, they remember my name and every morning and evening, all day and all night, they look for me, they call out my name...but they can't find me. 

They call out, they search for me everywhere, they scream for me..but they can't find me. 

They can't find me anywhere. 

Because... 

since you are gone, 

I'm not me anymore. 

The pointlessness of it all

The more I think about it, the more I realize that making money is totally pointless especially when it keeps you away from loved ones. What's the point of life really if you can't go back home to parents or children or your partner at the end of a long hard day at work? We stay away from home and our home cities/countries waiting all year for those 10 days to go back and be with them and for many of us even that doesn't happen every year. We wish against all hope to make it for a childhood best friend's or a sister's or a brother's wedding and on most occasions don't manage to. Most of our Facebook statuses are about how we miss being with family and friends especially during the Holidays, how we miss Park Street at Christmas time or Delhi's wintry mornings and "Maa ke haath ka khana". We call our old grandparents and give them a hard time as they literally scream into the telephone to ensure they can be heard thousands of miles away and when they ask when they would be seeing us next, we answer quickly with "soon", all the time living with the fear that it could very well be "never". 

And yet every morning, I snooze my alarm three times, crawl out of bed unwillingly and wear my business suit to go make some money. Most days, I don't stop to think why. But when I do, I realize the pointlessness of it all and then this piece happens. 

Citius, Altius, Fortius - My Daddy strongest

8^th of November 2010 . A date that I will not forget and I choose never to. Because this day distinctly marks the beginning of my adulthood. I clearly remember it was the Monday after Diwali weekend. It had been a long weekend of festivities and partying and the usual madness that comes easy when you are young. My BFF was visiting and after the insanity that happened on Friday and Saturday, we thought we needed a break on Sunday. So, she and I took a 90 minute train ride into the city that evening. To relax. Yes, in those days, that was pretty much our idea of relaxation. Of course, once in the city, the whole idea of relaxation flew out of the window. So we partied some more, met more friends, hung out till late and I had barely just crashed around 5 AM, every part of my body tired and aching but the little child in me happy and excited and carefree. I was probably still in a state of half wakefulness when the phone flashed – “Home calling”. Unusual, I thought. It’s barely 6 in the morning. Also, my folks never really call. They just text or give me a missed call and I call them back. I picked up and answered with a sleepy ‘Hello’, not knowing then that this call on the 8^th of November 2010 will change me and my family forever.

It was a long battle since that day. How long? 3 months, 6 months, a year? I don’t think I can say when the fear finally started to subside. I don’t know if I can say it truly ever stopped or will stop. At best, you make peace with it and learn to live with it. Every time there is a little coughing, there is fear in the eyes of every loved one. Every time the weighing machine shows a pound lesser, there is summoning the doctor. There is fear, there is despair, there is hopelessness, and there is pain, suffering, weakness, lack of motivation, no willingness to go on with anything. There is disapproval of your appearance, there are uncountable ‘why me’s, there is faith shaken, there is Godlessness. But also there is strength, there is a fighting spirit, there is constant learning and trying and where none should be left, there is hope. There is a wish to live, to go on. There is love and prayers and faith renewed. There is a man I call father, who makes me who I am. A man I call Papa, whose hug still fixes the world. A man I call daddy, who never gave up. My sister and I loved the ‘My Daddy strongest’ commercial from when we were kids and often broke into fights with other kids claiming that our dad had some kind of superiority over theirs. Today, 8^th of November 2015, I will say ‘My Daddy strongest’ and no one can tell me otherwise. Congratulations Papa on completing the 5 year cancer free mark today. Your mental and physical strength are unmatched. You continue to teach us by example every day that nothing can stop one from chasing their dreams, not even the ‘Emperor of All Maladies’. Cheers to good health and an indomitable spirit. 

Karobaar

Aaj ek lambe arse baad tumhe yaad kiya.

Darasal, yaad nahi.

Yaad toh hum roz hi kisi na kisi bahaane se kar lete hain.

Aaj ek lambe arse baad tumhara number ghumaya.

Do baar ghanti baji ki nahi, tumne phone uthaya

Kaafi utsukta se tumne poocha – “Kaisi ho?”

(Main aag mein jhulasti ek talwaar ke jaisi hun

Aandhiyon mein hain kaanpti jo shaakh main vaisi hun

Jiske paar na pahunche koi us deewar ke jaisi hun

Chattan ke jaisi hun, main pahaar ke jaisi hun

Baarishon mein phoot-ti us boond ke jaisi hun

Jo badalon se chhoot-ti par dharti par girti nahi vaisi hun

Main shor machaati hawaon ke jaisi hun

Main lalkaar ke jaisi hun, hahakaar ke jaisi hun

Phir bhee shok sannatte mein chupchaap si jaisi hun

Main pyaar ke jaisi hun, alankaar ke jaisi hun

Phir bhi mudatton se chal rahe tiraskaar ke jaisi hun

Main abhimaan si, pehchaan si, ek bol ke jaisi hun

Main geet hun, main gaan hun, ek awaaz ke jaisi hun

Par main mook hun, vidwaan hun, main gungaan ke jaisi hun

Main parchhai hun, aur rooh bhi hun

Aur dil ke bhi jaisi hun

Main nadi hun, samundar hun, main leher ke jaisi hun

Main kavita hun, kahaani hun, ek kitaab ke jaisi hun

Main girti hun, khud hi sambhalti hun

Khud ghao apne bharti hun

Jab bhi aankhein chhalakti hain

Aansoon ko khud hi peeti hun

Jab dard se kaleja phat-ta hain

Main goongi hi chheekhti chillati hun

Main toofano se joojh kar, phir khud ko hi samjhaati hun -

Main aurat nahi, karobaar hun

Karobaar ke hi jaisi hun)

Kaafi utsukta se tumne poocha – “Kaisi ho?”

Jawaab hai – “Main acchhi hun”

Knock! Knock!! Knock! Knock!!

Knock! Knock!! Knock! Knock!!
Good heavens, are you the same??
Knocking on my door that night
In the rain you came?

Knock, knock, knock, knock!!
Can't you hear my hollow bones?
Knocking on your door all night
In the rain..

And all I want, all I really really want
is just some sleep
And a bullet through my head
To numb the pain!

And all I want, all I really really want
Is some skin
And an arm around my neck
To numb the pain!

Knock, knock, knock, knock!!
Your footsteps in my head
How you walked all over my heart
In my bed...

Knock, knock, knock, knock!!
How are you without me??
I guess you don't even
remember my name?

And all I want, all I really really want
Is some blood
A slit running down my throat
To numb the pain..

And all I want, all I really really want
Is some air
Look I'm flying, I'm flying now
There is no pain.

Hisaab

Kai baar zindagi us modh par lakar khadi kar deti hai
jahaan hum gile-shikwon ka hisaab-kitaab karte hain
apne khaate khol kar baith jaate hain, aur ek ek kar len den ka hisaab karte hain
kabhi number jodhte hain to hisaab mil jata hai
par aksar hum apne aap ko ghaate mein paate hai
kya kabhi socha hai aapne, hum apne aap ko kabhi fayde mein kyun nahi paate hain?
Duniya ka hisaab toh pakka hai.
saare khaate ant mein hisaab barabar hi dikhlate hain
agar hum sab ke khaate nuksaan mein hain toh fayde mein kaun hai?
agar humse hamesha sab kuch khoya hai toh paa kaun raha hai?

I do not remember, I do not forget.

I do not remember the promises you made
Or the three carat engagement ring you spent your twelve years' savings on
I do not remember the wedding wows or
the honeymoon sunset cruise
I do not remember our first house with the patio
the breathtaking view of the lake or the boat you got me for my birthday
I do not remember the model of our convertible or the James Beard dinner on our fifth anniversary
I do not remember the orchids you flew in from Venice
or that one time when we spontaneously hopped on a private jet to the islands.
But...
I do not forget that when the pasta I made had no salt
you ate with a smile and licked the bowl clean
I do not forget that when I twisted my ankle walking in stilettos
you promptly sat down on the floor
in your Tux and rubbed it till it hurt no more
I do not forget when I had four AM flights, you stayed up those nights
just to hold me one more time
just to smile me goodbyes
I do not forget when I kept rubbing my eyes that November
you tied up my fingers, we laughed till forever.
I do not forget when I saw my first gray hair
such a hue and cry I raised
and you shared in my mock despair
I do not forget when it was cold, when it was snowing
you agreed in my delusion that my summer plants were growing
I do not forget when they came down and took me
when they said in this cell there was a strict no visitors policy
you still came everyday and stood by the tall iron gates
I do not forget how you always stayed.
I do not forget how you always stayed.