Ehsaas

Off late, a video of a woman being unwillingly touched on a plane by a man has been making the rounds on social media. Though it's nothing new or unheard of, the video going viral, makes us think critically about the simple human touch. A few words I wrote this evening and would like to share... 

"Dekh ay Khuda teri duniya mein lams ka mazaak ban gaya
Jo qurbat ka vaahan tha, woh auzaar ban gaya
Bande ki neeyat ne yun rukh badla ki dafe amraz aaj talwaar ban gaya
Kehte hain kaid mein bhookh, pyaas se bhi zyaada banda ehsaas ko tarasta hai,
Phir kyun aaj yeh ehsaas hi napaak ban gaya."

Kokh

Jab main ek nanhi saans thi Maa
aur tere liye naya ehsaas thi Maa
har pal khushiyon se ghiri thi tab 
us waqt hee sabse khaas thi Maa

'mera bacchha' keh kar Bapu sehlate the
'Raja beta' keh kar pyaar se bulate the
teri hansi ki khilkhilahat
chupchaap reh kar sunti thi Maa

Jab pareshaan main karti thi
kabhi bhook se, kabhi yun hi bilakhti thi
teri aankhein chhalak jaati thi
par hoton pe phir bhi muskaan thi Maa

Teri hansi ki woh awaaz
aaj bhi kano mein goonjti hai
woh muskaan tere hoton par dekhne ko
meri har saans aaj bhi tarasti hai
Tu sochti hain main nahi hun ab
par har pal teri aankhon se
main aansoo ban kar behti hun Maa
main teri yaadon mein rehti hun Maa

Contradictions

The more I see, the less I know 
the less I know, the more I woe
without a thought, without a care
without the want to look up my nare
And then I seek less, but I find more
In a sparrow's tweet or a lion's roar
The lullaby of the crashing waves
or the deafening noise of the fallen pin
Which do you choose, which do you faze?
of defeating nights or glorious days
of grown men playing wayward roles
of soldiers piercing innocent souls
Which do you choose, which do you faze?
A life of contradictions, in this maze.

When Loretta trick or treated me!

And then I heard a voice call out from behind… “Payel….trick or treat?” and pulled out a huge basket of glittering candy wrapped in colorful shiny paper and like a little kid, I picked through them, the shiny wrappers reflecting in my tears. Loretta was my leasing office lady and unlike most other relationships in life where I can say it’s been a love-hate, the one with hers has only been a hate-hate! I probably hated her. But she certainly hated me and probably every other tenant she has ever had. She hated everyone in her office. May be she hated her neighbors, may be her own family. Who knows? All, I know is she was the rudest and meanest person I had encountered in my New Jersey life. She was always angry for some reason. In my 6 years of interaction with her, I had never once seen her smile. Not at me, not at anybody. Neighbors and I often discussed her latest mean act. You call her with a maintenance request and the most arrogant voice would receive your call and try to be as not helpful as possible. She cribbed about having roommates who were not promptly added to the lease, refused maintenance to a roommate when she called and told her I had to call because only I was on the lease. She has penalized me with a hefty fine for being a day late once with my rent, yelled at me innumerable times for not being loud enough on the phone and the list goes on. In one word, to me she was a horror story. But I carried on and lived in this apartment for six good years because I liked my place and my interaction with Loretta could be limited to as little as I wanted it to be.

Now, you see, I am a person with serious “attachment issues”. I once mourned the loss of a swimming pool and cried myself sore, so you can imagine! My heart was breaking into a million pieces as I went about performing the last rites at my now ex-apartment. This place that I called home for six long years. It was my first dwelling in my favorite state of New Jersey. I have made more memories in this house than I have probably in my lifetime. This house has seen me through numerous achievements, longings, friendships, heartbreaks, crises. Thes walls have heard me wail at the loss of dear ones and the floors withstood the jumps of a happy excited rabbit on occasions. It has watched me learn and grow and make some very difficult choices in life. I lived here like I would live forever. And now I was leaving. Sigh! But a part of me was glad. The lady at my new management office was a sweetheart. We would talk about shopping for hours every time we met. From day one she made me feel at home here in my new apartment and went the extra mile to make sure my move was smooth. I already loved her. So happy I was, because no more of the sour-puss.

So, the last day of October, I locked all doors and windows, grabbed the keys of the front door, back door and the mailbox and the piece of paper I had my new mailing address written down on to hand it over to her and marched towards the leasing office. One last time. The beautiful crimson leaves of the Fall staring at me, the typical autumn wind blowing in my face, and my heart joyous to see the end credits of this story. Surprisingly, despite my obsessive attachment disorder, unperturbed by the final act. I strode right in through the double doors and found myself standing at Loretta’s window.

With a sense of victory and relief in my voice, I said --

“Hello! So, I am all moved out. Here are the keys!”

Loretta - “Thanks”(curtly). “Forwarding address?” (without bothering to look at me)

I fish into my pockets only to realize I may have dropped the paper. How terrible! This means more face-time with the “horror lady”. Never mind.

I said - “Please write it down. 28 Wedge… “

Loretta - Thanks. (mumbles something - may be bye?)

I, without really intending to speak any more, almost involuntarily said something.

“Thank you for everything while I was here. It has been a wonderful stay. I have been here 6 years and I am a very emotional person. So, I am just going to shutup now before I embarrass myself any more.” And then the strangest of things happened. She looked up from what she was doing and in those eyes, I saw an emotion that I have never seen before. It’s hard to explain what I saw. Was it a mix of sadness, shame or guilt, a feeling of being overwhelmed or a long standing stoicism being stirred. I don’t know what I saw in those eyes that evening. But I felt the vibrations in the room and they were strong and something I will remember for years to come.

I hurriedly said - “Goodbye” and as I was walking out of the door, I heard a faint voice call from behind ---

“Payel….trick or treat?”

I picked up a twix, walked to my car and tears gushed out on to my cheeks and wetting my shoulders. They wouldn't stop. I just sat there in my car and cried and cried.

My heart was empty. Goodbyes are never easy.

O captain, My captain!! Why wouldn't you call out once?

O captain, My captain!!
Why wouldn't you call out once?
Just one holler and..
You would see us all
Standing on the table for you
One by one!
O captain, My captain!!
Why wouldn't you call out once?

O captain, My captain!!
Living a life of contradictions
Pretending to be the funny man
Why did you conform?
The moment you decided
Did you ask just once
"What will be your verse?"
O captain, My captain!!
Why wouldn't you call out once?

O captain, My captain!!
Don't you remember what you said about bad times?
Were you not paying attention?
It was supposed to wake you up to all the good stuff.
O captain, My captain!!
Why wouldn't you call out once?

O captain, My captain!!
Will we miss your acting? No
Will we miss your funny lines? No
Will we miss your comedy? No
It's the way we think about something you said
days, month, years after.
Coz it's never the big things
Always the little things, always!
O captain, My captain!!
Why wouldn't you call out once?

I'm the woman who lets him sleep

"Honey" - he says, "Can I have some tea? It's the perfect morning for a bed tea" 
So, I get out of my warm blanket on a cold winter morning and romance my teapot. 
It's shrieking whistles quite matching my own.But I don't whistle.
I'm the woman who lets him sleep 

"Honey" - he says, "Can you pick up the kids? I have to meet a client after work for drinks"
So, I leave my list incomplete and rush out of the supermarket to pick those kids. I rush the car like a maniac. It's burning engine quite like my beating heart. But I don't let it beat.
I'm the woman who lets him sleep.

"Honey" - he says. "Can you come to bed and hold me please? It's been a long day"
So, I leave the dishes half undone and climb in bed, eager to please.
As we move, the bed creaks quite like the aches of my worn out body.
But I don't let it ache.
I'm the woman who lets him sleep.

"Honey" - he says. "I'm not coming home tonight."
So, I stay up all night counting minutes, pretending to believe every word he says.
I carelessly drop a glass on the floor. It's scattered pieces resembling my crushed soul.
But I pick up the pieces and don't let it show.
I'm the woman who lets him sleep.

With another woman, who unlike me, is not wearing her heart on her sleeve.

My take on the Morrocan Shakshouka(poached eggs in a tomato based gravy)

Ingredients:

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Eggs - 4 to 6

1 Onion - chopped

1 red bell pepper large - chopped

1 large tomato - chopped

green chillies (as per taste) - chopped

lots of garlic - thinly sliced

half a bunch of coriander - chopped

Half an orange (optional) - peel, film, seeds - basically any white/transparent things removed

coriander powder

cumin powder

paprika/red chilli powder

salt

sugar

olive oil

oregano(optional)

spring onion greens(optional)

Method:

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In a large skillet, heat some olive oil.

add garlic, cook 30 seconds till lightly fragrant

now add the coriander, sprinkle some sugar and paprika/red chilli powder and let the garlic caramelize.

Add the chopped onions and red peppers together and let them soften. Start adding spices to taste one by one -

coriander powder, cumin powder, salt, sugar, paprika. Once the mixture is well cooked (red peppers are still likely to retain their shape though), add the tomatoes. Cook another minute or two. If you are adding the orange, crumble with your fingers and add at this step.

Let the mixture absorb the orange juice and use the juice to deglaze the pan especially any spices sticking to the pan.

You may add about half to 1 cup of water. Let it cook 5-7 mins on medium. Let some of the water evaporate.

Spread the mixture evenly in the skillet. Break each egg and put it over the mixture, careful not to break the yolk.

sprinkle salt, pepper, oregano (or any herb u want) over each egg white and yolk. Cover immediately. Turn the heat to low.

if you like your eggs gooey, let it cook for 5-7 mins until the whites are completely cooked but the yolk is not completely done. If you are feeling less adventurous, make a small slit in the yolks after 3 minutes making sure it doesn’t ooze out and spread and let it cook for another 3-4 minutes so that the yolk is also completely set. Sprinkle chopped spring onion greens on top or coriander or parsley, basically any green for color.

Eat this with flatbread or any whole wheat bread for a wholesome breakfast

Eat this with sundried pita, olives and a green salad for a hearty brunch

Eat this with whole wheat rotis to turn it into an Indian dinner.